Allen Mark

Putting Words to Paper. Or Your Screen.

2/23 Update

Well, I haven't blogged in a while... not that I haven't tried. I'm currently sitting on a few drafts here to go along with my writer's block and crippling anxiety, but I'm hoping this post can help me get out of this funk. I also currently have Parks and Recreation playing in the background which should be great for my mood (Leslie looks amazing in her Ann-Perkins-of-wedding dresses). But seriously, what's the deal? 

It's kind of amazing but in a bit of a terrible way how ready I felt going into unemployment, yet ultimately I was (and knew?) I was completely unprepared. Honestly I've been fine; having all of this time is actually really great. I've gotten to the writing I've been meaning to do for years! I've built a site that's completely my own and I've been writing and editing about music and basketball--two of my life's loves--for the fresh TheGallant.tv. And now, three months removed from the shop's sale, I've hit a wall. Finally, right? What's the point of writing when both mind and heart have frozen up? I am constantly failing at my current job search because I'm trying to chip my way into a completely new field at the age of 26. I keep going to the same places to write articles, blogs, and stories and now it all feels old and pointless. I have to constantly change my point of view and plan of attack and it's exhausting, sucking every bit of my energy. As each day, hell, as each hour passes by I feel myself sliding deeply into a nihilistic form of myself. "What's the point? We're all going to die someday anyway" I would tell my fantasy football league. Yeah, that's me now in late February.

I guess that's why I'm writing this. When every prior motivation feels distant and impossible, you just have to push yourself out of it. Or at least that's what I'm hoping this will accomplish because I have so much more I wish and need to accomplish! 

I want to write fiction! Both short form and long form!

I want to consistently write about the NBA! And music! I'm good at it, I believe it!

I want to grab my guitar and write music! I want to perform them at open mics and small venues!

I want to write professionally in addition to the writing for my own leisure!

I want to move around! I want to travel! Not even for "I'm young so I need to see the world while" type of wanderlust; I love it here, but the Bay Area is tired. I need to expand my creative mind and it feels so limited here at home.

Maybe I just need to reevaluate my effort, not only for work, but for life. I've been so concerned in developing my adulthood that maybe I haven't done enough for my own personal care. My wonderful girlfriend has been a great source of support, but it's not fair to have her carry so much of that weight. I may have put some friends on the back burner while I've tried to restructure my life, and now that I've typed that down it does not feel great. I've got to try better. And I will.

Well, I apologize for how this post has become a stream of consciousness from an anxious millenial. I'm hoping this turns out more therapeutic than self-indulgent in the bigger picture. Though I'm mostly hoping, I also know I'll figure this whole thing out. So for now, I'll play Hamilton's "Non-Stop" and The Mountain Goats' "This Year" on repeat until I get myself out of this funk.

If you're still here, thanks for reading. I appreciate it; it's why this is here.